Controlling boyfriend imposes bedtime on 31-year-old girlfriend, refuses to compromise and banishes her to the couch if she doesn't comply: "I could crash if I don't get enough sleep"

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  • 01

    My (31F) boyfriend (32M) keeps trying to give me a bedtime

    "It's like sleeping on a sack of potatoes"
  • 02
    So for some context, we both have to be up early in the morning; him at 5 and me at 6. He goes to bed at around 8-9pm and I usually go around 10:30pm, latest of 11.
  • 03
    For the past year we have been regularly bickering over it, and it's getting on my nerves.
  • 04
    At the start he would constantly ask that I go to bed early with him every single night, but I explained that I prefer to have some 'me' time before bed to just chill out and play videogames or watch a movie.
  • 05
    I said I would creep in super quietly as to not wake him and this is exactly what I did. It worked nicely, he never even stirred when I got into bed and I could hear him snoring lightly, so I thought it was all fine and we could just continue this way.
  • 06
    We did this for a few weeks but then seemingly randomly he started asking me to go to bed at the same time as him again. I asked why and he said it's because he doesn't want to be disturbed when I come to bed. I asked if I'd been disturbing him and
  • 07
    he said no, he never wakes or remembers me coming to bed but he just 'doesn't want to risk it'. He's a truck driver so he regularly throws an 'I could crash and di because I didn't get enough sleep' scenario at me a lot too, so of course that makes me feel guilty.
  • 08
    I told him that I didn't understand why suddenly he's got this fear of being disturbed because he just told me I never have disturbed him. Then he just kept repeating that he doesn't want to risk being disturbed over and over without actually elaborating further than that.
  • 09
    He keeps asking me to sleep on the couch if I'm not coming to bed with him but doesn't seem to care that it's far too small to sleep on and being cramped up on it all night will for sure leave my joints aching.
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    Cheezburger Image 10470319616
  • 11
    It's like sleeping on a sack of potatoes as well, super lumpy and uncomfortable, but alas we can't afford a new one unfortunately. I have a physical job with a lot of heavy lifting so I can't be going to work with backache every day.
  • 12
    I told him I'm not doing that and he can sleep on the couch if that's what he wants but he said no and we left it there, failing to come to any sort of agreement.
  • 13
    The nagging to go to bed with him got too much so lately to save face I've been going to bed with him because I don't have the energy to argue. I know I shouldn't have done this and I wish I'd never started it. I've got enough going on in my family life (sick family members and a lot of stress) and I just
  • 14
    couldn't deal with his complaining as well. But now when I want to stay up a little and he goes to bed before me... within 30 minutes, without fail, he crawls out of bed to come and grumpily ask me how long I'm gonna be and if I'd just sleep on the couch so he can go to sleep.
  • 15
    His latest problem is that apparently he can't sleep when he's in bed before me because he 'has to be mindful to stay on his side of the bed' and that apparently keeps him awake. I told him to just put
  • 16
    Cheezburger Image 10470317824
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    pillows (we have lots of cushions and stuff in the bedroom) where I lay then but he said no to that as well because "it won't help" and he would end up putting his arm over the pillows which would wake him when I came to move them.
  • 18
    Anyway, long story not short, I've tried to compromise in loads of ways but he just keeps finding reasons against them and to argue for me to go to bed earlier. Some nights he goes to bed at 8pm and comes in complaining at 8:30 that I should be in bed already and repeatedly asking how long I'm gonna be.
  • 19
    I sometimes read in bed until I want to sleep which is okay, but sometimes I wanna play videogames, y'know? I shouldn't have to be limited to one activity every night past 8pm. I'm 31 for god's sake.
  • 20
    111
  • 21
    I literally don't know what to do anymore. I agree that it's important he gets good sleep while being a truck driver but asking me to sleep on the couch and compromising my sleep isn't fair either. We're at a stalemate.
  • 22
    He doesn't even wake when I sneak into bed, and he obviously can sleep without me there because he's done it plenty of times before. I genuinely have no clue what I'm doing wrong here but every time
  • 23
    he goes to bed now and I stay up, I know within half hour he's going to be poking his head around the door complaining that I'm not in bed yet and telling me to sleep on the couch. Sorry this was so long, I needed to get it off my chest! Any advice appreciated and welcomed.
  • 24
    Square-Minimum-6042 Oh god my FIL used to do that to my MIL. He was a control freak and just wanted her there. She eventually got fed up and flat out refused. After some tantrums he got used to it.
  • 25
    ThrowRA-hlep OP I think I may have to just flat out refuse as well and let him be upset. I'm worried I'm gonna start resenting him otherwise for taking my evenings away from me.
  • 26
    hesnotworthitsis "I'll go to sleep when I want to and I'm not willing to discuss this anymore". If he still makes it about him and gets angry, I wouldn't stay with this guy. His controlling nature will come out in other ways.
  • 27
    Minimum-Arachnid-190 Imagine arguing about when a grownass woman goes to bed. What on earth is going on?
  • 28
    Aspen9999 Control
  • 29
    ThrowRA-hlep OP Username checks out! I might just have to put my foot down. He makes me feel like I'm doing something really selfish by not wanting to go to bed early or not sleeping on the couch. He's
  • 30
    happy as ever as long as he gets his way but when he doesn't and I wanna stay up, I get the grumpy "how long are you gonna be? If you're not coming to bed soon, do me a favour and just sleep on the couch tonight" and I just... Argh.
  • 31
    hesnotworthitsis That's what controlling people do- they make you think that you're the one in the wrong.
  • 32
    BattleHead2788 Genuine question, why have you been so open to his request when he has no good reason? Like I get talking about it and wanting to compromise that's super healthy. But him having a hypothetical reason is enough to stop you living your life? It seems a bit controlling?
  • 33
    ThrowRA-hlep OP Honestly I didn't stand for it until he started with the "I drive a truck and I might crash if I have disturbed sleep" and then I felt guilty so I started giving in... Which has now backfired because when I wanna stay up I can't without the guilt trip.
  • 34
    tossout7878 This isn't about his sleep, this is about control. He's showing so many red flags.
  • 35
    Old-Ninja-113 I agree with this statement. It's a total control job down to the fake part that it's all your fault - but there's nothing to feel bad about - it's all made up to figure out the best angle to make you obey his decision
  • 36
    cattapuu You're not doing anything wrong. He's a controlling man-child.
  • 37
    suhhhrena This is allllllll about control. It starts with something relatively small like bedtimes, but this type of behavior will likely escalate.
  • 38
    Since this is a repeated issue, I would be reconsidering the relationship. Control issues in a partner is not something I'm willing to put up with, personally.
  • 39
    FairyCompetent Tell him the conversation is over, and you will not have it again. Tell him you will go to bed when you please, and if he cannot accept that then you will need to explore permanently separating your sleeping arrangements. He is trying to make sure you don't enjoy anything if he isn't there. This is just one step in a long and stupid dance of control.
  • 40
    Decent_Experience887 Separate bedrooms or a complete separation from this guy. Your a grown adult and shouldn't have someone barking at you to go to bed. He's kind of pathetic.

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